Sweden 1th day - I think I don't like here

I really hate that inevitable splash to my butthole as much as boring people in Sweden. Seriously there is no fun in being Swedish. All they do is 8 am wake up go work, 5 pm come back home, everywhere is closed so you cant do a shit and sleep. And they are all like socially weird dudes. Its crazy here, They are constantly making eye connection at public, on the other hand they avoid people and even a tinniest bit of argument like hell.

Maybe it’s not about Swedish people. Maybe I can’t work here that’s why I loathe Sweden. I am Oliver. Freelancer journalist, so to speak. I actually am a damaged old fart who lost his job at 2009 economic crisis. God, what  a load of fun that was.

I sucked dry my only alive relative aunt Mallory’s retirement money, after only that tried to find something and move on with my life. My generous colleague Charlie, who can’t talk to his boss for me due to already shitty financial situation at their own backyard, tipped me off about something weird in Sweden. Do you remember that psycho Norway guy who killed like 50 teenager at some piece of shit island? Yeah apparently that dude has some sort of big secret fan club at Stockholm. That fan club is terrorizing Stockholm and basically making a living hell for foreign people and immigrants. If it was a big thing like raping women and drowning people and tossing the corpses to bridge it would have a lot of media attention. The only weird thing was not doing anything and denying everything Swedish government. All official resources were saying that these attacks are not related to underground Swedish psycho club. Even though Norway dude’s pictures being found in every crime scene. What a dumb fucktard way of censoring.

I found some university students at Stockholm who desperately need money and ready to offer a decent bed. Next day I got my backpack and thickest jacket flew to Stockholm. First thing to say folks. Its a god forsaken frozen shithole. There was no hot Swedish chicks neither drunk Vikings. And I must say even German language is pretty lovely when you compare it to what they speak. Even a goddamn bottle of water is named like vaterhammens means“ I will kill you and your entire family” what a kindness.

After dumping my stuff I went to Stockholm Post. It’s the biggest local news agency here. But unfortunately the place they got was a dump. No the place was not trashy like dump. It was literally near a dump of a big mall. They rented the smallest  goddamn office they could find. Inside it, I found this weirdly looking light mustached 25-year oldish secretary lady. She brought me to her editor. Thomas. Which is a pretty funny guy. Constantly telling his useless stories about Lebanon and his daughter who joined the army god knows for how many sociopath reasons.

Anyway. I asked him about civilian attacks and racist underground group. He was visibly shaken after I asked that. Didn’t want to talk about the issue and avoid my further questions. I said fuck you very much to him and go to a better source: the police station.

Even the universally accepted crappiest standard places like police stations are in historical buildings. Police seemed like a pretty chill. I introduced myself as a westerner journalist and had a little chat about daily crimes. I was always good at making people like me. It’s natural. I asked them about what’s going on now. Why the hell government wasn’t doing something. What was the reaction of local swedish people to all this crap. They told me nothing. Smooth bastards were confidential as a switzerland bank accountant. But I liked them. Anyway I got what I want. I met with Renras.

Renras is a weird guy. He is not really down to earth like other clowns but he is cool and funny. He really liked me when I cracked that joke about Palestinian whore and her pimp’s donkey. But he has an attitude of the Roman Empire Augustus. I don’t know why but deep down in my Jewish heart I believed that Renras was a Hitler worshiping dickhead. Which made him the best person in the world for me. He told me bit about his past. Rowing champion in college. When he was in his peak it turns out that the guy was constant drug user. Not Michael Phelps kind but Luis Armstrong. Get it? So this guy invited me to bar called Koruna ? Or chrome something. I never really understood. But he was exited and he told me he couldn’t be comfortable around here. I said him ok let’s meet tonight at chrome and have a beer. On me.

I went back to my apartment. There was one overdue bill about some stupid rent. Near that there was another envelope that was written my shiny name. it was sent by a royal douchbaggery I guessed. It was covered with all crowns and lions and shit. Why would princess of Cambridge send me a letter? Opened it. It was an invitation for me. From the Stockholm Mayor.